I believe it’s time we talk about this issue.
We’re so in love, so afraid and insecure about offending or arguing with our partner, that we’re too afraid to “ask for what we want” in a relationship.
That’s a pity.
And you know why?
Because, if you don’t ask for what you want, you’ll never get what you want.
Your partner can’t really read your mind. She can’t “just know” what you want her to do, or give you. It’s YOU who needs to ask, tell, educate her about what your expectations are.
But that’s not all. Not asking for what you want makes you feel resent toward your partner. It makes you frustrated and unhappy.
Do you like being unhappy in a relationship?
I bet you don’t.
So why not just ask for those damn “love text messages” that you want so much to receive from her, for those calls that you want her to initiate, for that “sexy” experience that you’ve been wanting for weeks now, but didn’t have the courage to ask for. What about those daily Skype calls… do you want to talk daily on Skype?
If yes, then ask for it.
What about more space that you need, because your partner is suffocating you? What about more love and affection that you might need, and your partner is not giving you?
If you’re a woman, maybe you want him to bring you more flowers, maybe you want him to compliment you more? Why not ask for those things?
You may think that asking for what you want might be too needy or too demanding, but the truth is, it’s actually very ATTRACTIVE, when you do it the right way.
When you ASK for what you want, you show your partner that you respect yourself, and thus you’re showing confidence, which is a very attractive trait to have.
Also when you ask for what you want, and your partner makes a little effort to meet your expectations, she’ll end up valuing you and your relationship a lot more than she did before she made that effort.
People value what they work for. So don’t be afraid to ask for what you want in a relationship…
And here’s the key: …AND EXPECT TO GET IT!
What if she doesn’t care?
Don’t be needy and beg your partner to do what you want, instead calmly tell her what you expect her to do, so that you can be happy in this relationship, and then let her do her thing.
If she keeps ignoring your expectations, then all you’ve gotta do is to have another conversation where you’d say: “Listen, baby, I am getting tired here. You’re not meeting my expectations, and I am getting disappointed in you. Let’s find a compromise and make this work.”
So you try that. You give her some time (a few days/weeks) for her to have a chance to meet your expectation, and if she still doesn’t care, all you have to do is to say: “Well, it seems like you really don’t care about my expectations, and if you don’t care about my expectations, it means you don’t care about me. You’re not willing to make me happy. And if that’s the case, which it seems like it is, then there’s no point in staying in a relationship that is not adding happiness to my life.”
Here’s the thing my friend: Life is too short to stay in a relationship with a person who constantly shows that she doesn’t care about you, or maybe she does, but she’s not doing it the way you expect.
You wanna be in a relationship that is ADDING to your happiness in life, not one that is taking away happiness and adding stress instead.
And for you to be happy in your relationship, you’ve gotta ask exactly for what you want. And not tolerate not getting it. Even if that sometimes means breaking up with that person.
What if I have too demanding expectations?
But of course, some of us may have sometimes too demanding expectations. And that’s fine, we all do.
What you want to ask yourself in this case would be: “Is this something super important to me?”, “Do I really need her to do this, for me to function well in this relationship?”
If the answer is YES, then this is a non-negotiable expectation for you, and your partner either meets it, or she has to go. Otherwise you just won’t be happy if she doesn’t meet this expectation.
BUT, if your expectation is not as important. Then it can be negotiated with your partner, and you can both find a middle ground, where 1) you can be happy, and 2) she can meet your expectation.
As a rule of thumb, you never know what a demanding expectation is before you ask for it, and see what your partner has to say.
What you may think is too much, she may see as perfectly fine. And chances are that what you’re afraid to ask, she may have done for other guys in the past, but because you’re not asking, you’re not getting it.
Isn’t this too needy?
It makes me so pissed to see people struggle with unmet expectations, instead of actually asking for what they want from their partner.
And NO, it’s not needy to ASK for what you want, it’s needy NOT to ask for what you want and tolerate not getting it.
Because when you have certain expectations that are not being met, and you’re suffering because of it, then you’re showing your partner that you’re too insecure to stand up for yourself, and that you’re afraid of pissing her off, you’re afraid of losing her… which ultimately shows that – you need her more than she needs you, which is what neediness is all about.
A CONFIDENT person will stand up for his own needs, and won’t tolerate having them unmet.
Isn’t this too selfish?
SURE, you don’t wanna go overboard, and become too rigid about your expectations and force them on your girlfriend. That’s not what this is about.
This is about HAVING expectations, and EXPECTING them to be met. But NOT FORCING your expectations on to your partner. Not begging her to meet them, not torturing her about it, and simply letting it up to her to CHOSE whether she will or will not do it.
This way you’re not being egotistic, or selfish. Not at all. You are simply asking for what you need in order to be happy in a relationship. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
SELFISH would be forcing her to meet them.
But in this case, if she doesn’t want to, or she can’t meet your expectations, then she’s just not the right fit for you, and you are probably not the right fit for her.
Two mistakes people make: they don’t ask for what they want on one hand, or they ask for what they want and force their partner to give it to them.
As a result they either feel neglected and frustrated, or they become too needy and demanding.
I want you to avoid making these two big mistakes and instead ASK for what you want, but let it up to her to chose whether she’ll meet your expectation or not.
And if she doesn’t or can’t, you could negotiate it and find a compromise, but if you still feel unhappy, then it’s probably the best sign for you to let her go.
[raise glass] To love.