So recently a girl by the name of Laura, contacted me for an interview.
And although I don’t agree for a lot of interviews, she was very sweet because she said she needs the interview for her university paper. She’s studying to be a journalist, and needs to interview an expert on long distance relationships, so I agreed to answer her questions.
And after she sent me the questions and I answered them, I realized that there is a lot of great insight in these answers, and I should probably send you this interview too. Because you can learn A LOT from it.
Check it out and enjoy the insights.
Making a Long Distance Relationship Work – Interview With Livius Besski
1. What do you think is the most important factor in a long-distance relationship?
You see, the advice I give is different than most, because I don’t believe so much in the “circumstance” of a relationship. People tend to believe that the type of relationship makes it more or less successful. In my experience I found that long distance or not, the success of a relationship lies in how secure the people are. This means that if two people are mature enough to not NEED each other, but CHOOSE to be together, because they enjoy each other’s presence – then a relationship will work no matter the circumstance, for as long as that relationship makes sense for those two people.
So here I said a few things. One is that we must be mature enough to not need our partner. This means to recognize that we are whole and complete human beings, that can function autonomously, without vitally needing another person. We can live a very exciting and complete life just by ourselves. Especially if we realize that “I am the love of my life” not my partner.
Therefore I must treat myself like I am the love of my life. I must give myself the love and respect, and exciting life that I want. From this place our partner is not someone we cling onto, but someone we ALLOW into our life, if they are a good fit for us, and if it makes sense for both of us. From this place we can be totally honest and authentic in our relationship, because we’re not trying to “protect” the relationship by sacrificing our authenticity (and happiness) like most people do.
The other thing that I said is that we stay with someone as long as it makes sense. So no matter if it’s long distance or not, just because we start a relationship doesn’t mean we must die together. It means we stay for as long as this relationship is making both our lives better. It’s only out of fear that we can cling onto a relationship that is clearly not making sense, and nothing that we try to do to fix it works.
Therefore the most important factor to make a long distance relationship work is becoming a secure and autonomous person. From that place any relationship can work and be enjoyed.
2. Why do you think long-distance relationships are not that appealing to people?
They are not appealing to some people because they have a lot of misunderstandings about them like — it’s too hard, it’s gonna lead to cheating, it’s not worth being without someone if they are far away, and so on. Now these preconceptions have their truth, but they are not deal breakers, and are quite easy to overcome.
Are LDRs too hard? Not really, they are quite simple actually, more simple than classic relationship I would say. All you have to do is to talk everyday on Skype or on the phone, send a few texts and pictures here and there about your day, and that’s pretty much it. Then you have the rest of your day to yourself, no one to distract you and so on. You have time to work on your projects, enjoy your passions. I actually enjoy LDRs, because I have so much space and time for myself.
But of course for a person who’s too dependent on their partner to make them happy, LDRs are devastating, it’s killing them. And the advice for them is to refocus on their own life, interests and passions. Remember, your partner is just a slice of your happiness, not the whole cake.
Cheating does happen in an LDRs, but not more than in a classic relationship. There are studies actually that suggest that. You see it’s not the distance that leads to cheating, it’s the lack of desire and attraction in the relationship. So it’s the same cause that leads to cheating whether it’s a long distance or a classic relationship.
If you want your partner to not cheat on you, you must make them happy. I know, that’s a general piece of advice. But it only seems like that if you don’t know what it means to make a person happy.
Most people think that it’s all about being loving and caring, so they give lots of affection in the form of compliments, I love you’s, and creative gifts. But this is only PART of making someone happy.
If you only focus on affection, it will lead to boredom and being taken for granted. So you must understand that we as human beings need also ATTRACTION to be in love, and be happy.
So LOVE = affection + attraction. Most people miss the attraction element, and naturally their partner looks for that challenge and desire with someone else.
Now attraction is created not by feeding your partner all the time with affection, but actually letting them get hungry too. You do that authentically by HAVING A LIFE, by being independent, and not always giving up everything just to talk to them.
Your independence in life as a person, and also emotional independence (not being afraid to lose her) are the biggest source of attraction for your partner.
If your partner thinks about you that “This is a great person, a great catch, AND they are not dependent on me, they have a life so are not afraid to lose me” then you’ll become the most attractive person in the world for them.
3. Do you think that long-distance relationships tend to need more dedication than just a normal relationship?
Not really. After being for many years in both long distance and living together with my partner, I feel that long distance actually need less dedication.
Like I said before, you only need to talk to your partner for a few minutes, send a few texts, think of some little creative ways to make them feel loved from time to time, and that’s it. While in a classic relationship, you gotta do a lot more.
4. What do you think is the most common problem in long-distance relationships?
The most common problem is that at some point one partner starts being more independent, while the other gets scared and becomes more needy. And that neediness makes ‘the independent partner’ even more cold and feel suffocated. Which naturally leads to a break-up at some point.
The solution here is that if you’re the needy partner, you must learn to relax, rebuild your self esteem and confidence, overcome your insecure thinking, and take some time for yourself as well, and create a more enjoyable life.
At the same time, if you partner is too independent, you can bring up the issue, and honestly communicate to them that you’re not satisfied with how things are. From that place you can come to a solution for keeping in touch that works for both, or being open to letting go the relationship, if it no longer makes sense.
5. What do you think makes strong a long-distance relationship?
A strong long distance relationship is based on a strong bond between the two partners. And that bond is based on how secure they are, and how well they understand the two opposing needs of love: affection and attraction, or closeness and space.
If you’re a secure and confident person (as opposed to needy) and can balance the affection you give to your partner with some attraction. You’ll have a lasting relationship, that conquers everything.
6. What kind of advice would you give to someone wanting to have a long-distance relationship, or someone that is currently in one?
My advice would obviously be to overcome neediness and learn how love works. Besides that, there are of course many other surface things you can do like — talk everyday, to be a part of each other’s life, even if you’re apart. Find different kinds of activities to do together, like cooking, watching movies, playing some games either online or conversation games, find creative ways to show that you care, and so on.
But the success of your relationship is not based on these things, it’s based on how strong that bond is between you. If you find that the bond is not strong enough, just let it go. You have to respect yourself enough to not fight for something not worth keeping.
Okay, so this is it.
I hope this interview was useful to you, and you learned what it really takes to make a long distance relationship work.
And as always, if you have any questions about your relationships, I am always here, ready to answer them for you. Of course, it may take a few days, because I get lots of emails from readers, but I’ll do my best to reply to yours as well.
What most people forget is that a healthy relationship is based on CHOICE not NEED.
You don’t need to be with your partner, you chose to be with them.
If you NEED them, it means you’re not complete, you lack something, so you’re needy about their presence in your life. There’s a hint of desperation there. So it’s about your need, your lack and your desperation.
If you CHOSE them, that’s because they are a good fit for you. It’s no longer about your need, but about them being a great partner.
You’re NOT coming from a place of LACK, but from a place of COMPLETENESS, and you chose to ADD some more joy to your life by choosing to have a relationship with them.
The problem with feeling like you NEED this relationship and this person is that you end up giving up your right to be happy in your relationship, just to keep the relationship alive.
It’s almost funny, how at the beginning, you come into the relationship because you want to be happier. And then once you become attached to your partner, and think you need them, that’s when you sacrifice your happiness, just to not lose her.
So you come for the happiness, and stay out of neediness, while sacrificing the thing you came for in the first place: your happiness in the relationship.
If however, you approach the relationship from a place of CHOICE, you don’t forget why you chose this person in the first place – to have a more joyful life.
And if at some point your partner is NOT treating you the way you want to be treated, you have the right to feel disappointed with their behavior and REMIND them that they need to step up their behavior.
Now you are free to stay or to leave the relationship. And if your partner consistently neglects your needs, then you’re ready to let her go, because you don’t NEED her, you chose to be with her… but only as long as it makes sense, only as long as the relationship makes you happy.
If she makes you more STRESSED, then it doesn’t make ANY SENSE to remain in this relationship.
Another thing we often FORGET when we begin a relationship is that… it’s JUST A RELATIONSHIP. This is not something meant to last forever, this is not the only person that you can be with, this is not something you must STICK with no matter what.
Not at all. This is just a relationship, that you chose to be in, as long as it makes you happy, and if it doesn’t, then it doesn’t make ANY SENSE to stay in this relationship.
And it’s time to MOVE ON, and eventually find a BETTER relationship. One that will make you happier.
Free Neediness Guide
I have created a practical guide to share with you 4 steps to reduce neediness and regain your girlfriend's attraction.
My job as a teacher of love is to help MEN move from being INSECURE to IRREPLACEABLE.
Today I want to share with you a few ideas on how to do that.
Step 1 – Recognize your own worth.
You are unique. I know it sounds like a cliche, but you ARE UNIQUE, and I can’t wait to explain to you why you are unique, and HOW you can bring this to the table in your relationship.
You are perfect. Again it sounds strange. But you really ARE PERFECT, in all of your imperfection. Humans are by their nature imperfect. So being imperfect, means being PERFECTLY HUMAN.
You are loveable. Yes you deserve to loved EXACTLY as you are. In fact trying to make yourself MORE lovable will only make you seem more desperate. The key to your happy love life, is to finally EMBRACE yourself as you are. And to realize that you deserve to loved for who you are!
This summer has been kind of crazy for me!
And that’s because I finally found the courage to make the BIGGEST decision of my life…
To ask my girlfriend, the woman who’s been kindly loving me all these 7 years, to marry me!
I really did it!
I planned the whole thing, and really surprised her one day with a beautiful dinner close to a water fountain.. and in front of a gigantic castle, along with some of our dearest friends and family…
…and even in front of HER MOM!
After years of long distance relationship experience and research on this topic I’ve come to realize that the level of trust in a long distance relationship VARIES from couple to couple. Some couples trust each other more, others not so much.
The interesting observation here is that the level of trust that exists between partners determines how happy and how successful their long distance relationship will be.
But what’s even more important to point out here is that VERY FEW couples get to a point of Healthy Trust, where they trust each other proactively instead of just trusting BLINDLY.
Below I have identified the 4 possible levels of trust in a long distance relationship.
And what I want you to do is to read them carefully and ask yourself at which level of trust is your relationship situated at right now?
This will help you understand why are you so stressed and jealous and what you can do to overcome all this suffering.
Not long ago, I had a very interesting coaching call with a young man from Germany, who felt stressed and worried every time his girlfriend went out to parties.
Now, that’s such a familiar feeling for me as well, and such a common theme in many of the coaching calls I have with guys. We feel uneasy every time our girlfriend goes out because we’re worried that some guys may hit on her, or she may get too drunk, or her friends might influence her to do something stupid… or we’re just worried about her safety going out with just a few girlfriends alone.
And the reason I’m telling you this right now is because if this situation sounds familiar, I want to share with you as well some of the things we talked about during our call.
The tips I gave to this young man, might come very handy to you if you’re struggling with the same issue. So sit comfortably and enjoy the article.
Here’s the reality: excessive jealousy is poison for a relationship. It can really turn to ashes an otherwise perfect relationship.
I’ve seen hundreds of women say:
“I love him so much, he’s the man of my dreams and I’d never cheat on him, but he’s just so jealous, I simply can’t take it anymore!”
However the funny and also confusing thing about jealousy is that the guy, for example, tends to accuse his girlfriend of making him jealous, while his girlfriend tends to accuse him of being too crazy and insecure about himself.
So the question is – Whose fault it is?
How have your Skype sessions been lately? Does it feel like you’re always doing or talking about the same things with your partner?
It’s a common issue for many couples in long distance relationships because we can feel limited in what we can do together due to being apart.
But let’s be honest, why should people in conventional relationships have all the fun when it comes to date nights?!
For my partner and I, a pattern started to form when we’d be on Skype. Don’t get me wrong we were still excited to see each other but something was lacking. That’s when I decided to change it up a bit and create a date night that would push us to try new things. When I’d see her smile from ear to ear I knew I was on to a winner 🙂
If you’re wanting to try something different I’ve put together a foolproof date night that you can surprise your partner with that’s guaranteed to be something they’ll never forget!
The trick is to make it ALL. ABOUT. YOUR. PARTNER. Everyone loves to be pampered and feel loved and what I’ve put together for you will do exactly that for your partner, so let’s get stuck in.
Now that Valentines Day has passed, and you have celebrated the love for each other, it’s time to celebrate your love for the most important person in your life. The love for yourself.
Think about it for a second. Who is the person that’s always around, and will always be there for you no matter what? It’s you.
Most of us think that there is one person out there that is the love of our lives.
And yes, there are people who are such an amazing fit for us, that it feels like they are the one.
When the reality is that your “the one” could be many people. You probably felt like your previous partner was the one, and then you broke up and now you found a even better partner, which you think again that this is the one. When the truth is that “the one” is not just one single person, the one is just someone who’s a good fit for you. And there could be many such people.
But if you want to find the true love of your life, your true THE ONE, then all you have to do is to find a mirror and look in it. Because YOU ARE the love of your life.
So what do we do when our partner seems to lose their interest in us?
The truth is, I get hundreds of emails from people asking for advice on how to get their partner’s interest back.
I am constantly told a story that goes like this: everything was great up until now, we’re really in love with each other, but recently my partner started to be more cold and disinterested… what do I do?
And I find myself giving the same piece of advice to almost all the questions.
So this is my way of giving one answer to all people struggling with this issue.
If your partner is losing interest it’s usually because their attraction for you is fading.
And this is usually because you’re being too needy lately.
So to get things back in order, you want to first of all reduce your neediness, and then to spike up their attraction.
To reduce your neediness, you must realize that your relationship is only PART of your happiness in life, not all of your happiness, and therefore SHIFT the focus of your happiness from your relationship to your own life. Read more about his key shift here.
Because of course you’re gonna be needy if most of your happiness depends on your relationship. You’re afraid of losing your happiness so you’re dependent and needy and insecure. And you try to convince your partner to love you – which never, ever works.
You can’t convince someone into loving you, you can only make them want to love you. Which is done by learning a few self-confidence ideas one of which I’ll tell you about below, and some of these 6 secrets of attraction.
For now you have to understand that you must start to love yourself, because YOU ARE THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE and thus not depend on your partner’s attention and affection to feel good about yourself.
You are enough as you are at this point in your life, God made you enough as you are, and you don’t need anybody’s validation to feel more enough.
And once you’re NOT depending on your relationship to be happy. Plus you’re NOT depending on your partner to feel good about yourself, then the last and hardest (but most important step) comes in.
Now you must realize that you’d be OKAY if you actually lost your partner. You’d still breath, eat, walk, talk and overall you’d SURVIVE if you lost your partner, like millions of people out there do.
Yes, you’d feel an emotional hangover for a few days, but you’d be fine.
And listen, if two people come to a point of breaking-up it doesn’t mean the relationship has failed. It can easily mean that the natural selection process has shown you that you’re not a good fit. Or it could be that this person’s mission in your life is over, and they need to move on.
And realizing that is SO important, because it’s only when we get over the fear of losing our partner, and are ready to lose them – if they want to leave, or if they are not making us happy… it’s only then that we can truly get rid of neediness.
[Free Guide] I have created a practical guide to share with you 4 techniques to reduce neediness and regain your confidence (and your girlfriend’s attraction).
You can find the guide here.
Now when you’re not terrified of losing your partner. Now, you can start creating attraction.
And one way to do that is to tell your girlfriend: “Baby, I see that you’re becoming less interested lately, what is going on? I am asking you, because it’s making me unhappy, and it’s making me doubt this relationship. I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who’s not interested in me.”
The reason saying something like this creates attraction is because it shows that you’re not afraid to lose them. Plus it shows that you’re able to stand up for your happiness, and won’t just be happy with some scraps of affection here and there.
We must not be afraid to stand up for our happiness in our relationship. Even though it may mean losing the person we’re with. Because if that happens it’s because they wanted to leave anyways.
So the reaction that you’d usually get from your partner when expressing your disappointment with their behavior, and unwillingness to tolerate it would normally be one out of these two:
One, if they really care about you, they’d become worried and realized that they might be losing you if they are not stepping up their game. Which means that their interest and attraction will go up.
Two, if they don’t really care, they’d either fight you and never change the way they act, or they’d just not take your words seriously and not change the way they act… Which means that they’re already with one foot out of this relationship… so you’d better use what’s left of your dignity to let them go, before they do so and break your heart completely.
You can easily learn some of the ways I use to keep my girlfriend attracted to me on this page.
So the whole point of this article is to make you AWARE that you don’t have to tolerate a relationship where your partner is NOT interested.
If this is the case, bring it up, let your partner know that you’re not happy and NOT willing to tolerate it, and see what happens… you either get them back, or you speed up the inevitable. Both being GOOD things.
But first, you must realize that YOU make yourself happy, not your partner, And YOU love yourself not your partner. In other words, your life is your happiness and you are the love of your life. And your partner is just a piece of your life’s puzzle, that comes in to ADD joy to your life not take away joy from it.
Free eBook download: We’ve created an eBook with our best 4 practical techniques to overcome neediness, and offer it for free to all our newsletter subscribers. Click the image below to subscribe and download the PDF: