If you have been in a serious relationship for a while, then you know that jealousy is one of the hardest emotions to control.
It’s in our nature to be jealous, we can’t fight it, it’s even stupid to fight the emotion of being jealous, because we’ll lose even before starting the inner fight.
What we can do however is to manage the way we express our jealousy.
I am sure you understand that adolescent-like behavior when being jealous, won’t lead you anywhere good.
Over controlling her fanatically, or calling her 10 times a day or asking her every single detail in a jealousy situation, fighting the guys that talk to you woman…yelling and calling her names, being violent, and even endlessly refusing to talk to her etc. …these are not healthy ways to express jealousy.
Jealousy is an important instinct that we humans have. It tells us that we might be in a potentially dangerous situation where we could be losing the woman we love.
So, it’s a protective instinct that has been developed thousands of years ago to help humans to avoid losing their love partners.
This being the reason why fighting this emotion or trying to repress it will most of the times lead to stress and useless worries.
3 Reasons To Express Jealosy
Jealousy needs to be expressed, but expressed in the right manner. And here are some of the reasons why I believe so:
1) It’s in our nature to be jealous. And it’s also in our nature to express our jealousy. Because keeping it inside, will typically lead to unresolved jealousy feelings, that would later on turn into deeper problems, constant fights, doubts and worries. However by communicating our jealousy to our partner, we are able to clarify it, and thus let go of those tense feelings.
2) It means that you love her. Expressed in a right way – jealousy means that you love your partner. You know what women say “If he’s jealous, it means he loves me”.
3) It sets boundaries. Not expressing your jealousy when the situation requires you to do so, means giving permission to your girlfriend to continue behaving the same way. Therefore by expressing your jealousy you educate your partner to avoid those circumstances that you don’t accept (in terms of attention from the opposite sex).
The Right Way To Express Your Jealousy
So, what I am telling you here is that it’s okay to be jealous, it’s okay to show it, but you have to do it in a healthy way. And healthy jealousy means – avoiding the extremes (indifference & neediness).
- Avoiding the extreme of being totally indifferent about her accepting attention from, or paying too much attention to, other men. This is the indifference extreme, and it means that you don’t want to accept her behaving in ways that could potentially make you jealous.
- And avoiding the extreme of being overly jealous and becoming needy as a result. It means avoiding to behave like an adolescent, and constantly complaining about her going out too much, calling her 10 times a day, being overly controlling and fighting about any potential jealousy issues.
In my experience, expressing your jealousy in a healthy way, means following the next 5 steps…
1) Point out the situation that makes you feel jealous. Let’s say she’s receiving a text message while you’re talking on Skype. In this case you’d want to ask her in a chilled and relaxed manner who is writing her. There’s no problem in being a little intrusive in such a situation. As long as she doesn’t have something to hide, she won’t mind you asking her such a question and her answering it. The way I’d inquire about it would be:
“Hmm, seems like you’re a “wanted” person…people contact you throughout all means of communication. So who’s so eager to talk to you?” or “Mmm, I think you got an admirer writing you a love text…”
2) Ask her if there’s anything that you should be jealous about, and let her explain what is that message all about.
3) Help her understand your position. Ask her: If the same thing would happen to me, in this case if I’d get a text message while talking to you, how would you feel? Normally, she’d admit that a similar situation would make her jealous too. Thus understanding the reason why you’re jealous and also the fact that in a similar position she’d be jealous too, will make her less defensive and more open to explanation.
4) Explain her why this situation makes you feel jealous. Something like:
“It makes me think that you’re flirting with other guys and plants doubts in my head. I don’t wanna doubt your faithfulness, okay? You are my girl, and for this relationship to work I need to know that I can trust you .”
5) Let her assure you. After you explain her why you felt jealous, her normal reaction would be to assure you that you have nothing to be jealous about, so let her do that and then forget about it, and don’t bring it up anymore.
A Few Special Tips
- Let her know that you trust her. Any time you have the subject comes up, tell her “You are smart enough not to cheat”, and if you do it, you’ve got to take responsibility for the fact that you’ll lose me forever.
- Let her know that you don’t want to be jealous. Tell her that jealousy is a feeling that you don’t like and that you want to avoid it as much as possible. Therefore she needs to avoid giving you motives and reasons to be jealous.I use to tell my girl:
“If I am jealous too much, I am worried, if I am worried I become stressed and I suffer. Now, I don’t want to suffer. I am in this relationship because you make happy, because I want to feel good, and not suffer. So, please avoid potential situations or telling me stuff that could make me jealous. It’s for your good too, because if I will suffer, I won’t be able to make you happy.
Also me, as a man, I am very possessive, and if you wake up this possessiveness in me, I might behave in very wrong ways, and I don’t want that to happen. “
- Don’t be jealous for no reason. One more thing that you should be careful of, is not to be jealous for no reason, because by doing that you might yourself create “a reason”, which did not exist before.You see, when there’s a college of your partner that she spends time with, and you are sure that there’s nothing that can happen between them, but you still complain and bring it up all the time; by doing that you might actually plant the idea in her mind, of becoming romantic with this guy, you might give her the idea that maybe she has never thought of before.
So, what you have to remember about dealing with your jealousy is the following:
- Don’t keep it inside.
- Express it when you feel it.
- Avoid the extremes.
- Talk it out and clarify it.
- Then forget about it.
Also if you think, and you’re sure that there’s no point in being jealous, then there’s no point in expressing it too.
P.S. Don’t forget to get a copy of my “eye opening” free e-book that I have for you. (it’s 39 pages of pure meat)