Here’s a question from a reader that struggled with a confusing issue in his long distance relationship, followed by my answer to him.
Because I have received a large number of similar questions over the past few months, I’ve decided to share this one with you, as I’m sure that you can take a few useful lessons from it too.
If you’re too busy to read the question, you can also jump straight to the solution, as the main problems are being mention in the solution as well. But I strongly advice you to read the question to see if you can identify with the situation and to get a better understanding of my solution to it. Enjoy!
“Thank you for starting this blog. It is a great idea and there are a lot of guys who need advice on long distance relationships, myself included. I found your site from postmasculine.com, and have been reading your articles and e-book. I don’t know the protocol for asking, but if you have a spare moment I could use some advice…
My situation: I have been dating this girl for 2 years now. We lived together for a few months, but then we both had to move back home.
Once we graduated from college. For the past year, we have done long distance, and it was great. We took a couple vacations together this last summer, and had an amazing time.
But now, we are both studying at two different universities, she’s in UK and I am in France, and won’t be able to live together for another two years, when I finish my studies and move to UK.
It started off fine, but lately she’s been so busy and overworked that she hardly seems to find the time for me. Initially, she didn’t know anybody where she moved for school, but formed a group of friends.
But then, there has been an incident where one of her guys friends tried to take advantage of her, and she’s been very distant from everybody (including me) since then. Obviously I’m very hurt and angry at that guy, and wish I could do something about him.
She feels pretty alone over there. But also it’s been painful not having her trust me or talk with me as much. If she feels alone, I want her to find comfort in me! She’s said a couple times “I don’t feel what I used to feel for you before” or “when we talk, it feels like I’m talking with a friend.”
So to recap, the issues seem to be 1) time constraints (very busy with school), 2) trust issues (her friend betrayed her), and 3) confusion about how she feels about me (some loss of attraction).
I believe she feels confused because we haven’t seen each other since starting school. She is very hesitant to see me though, one day she will miss me a lot and tell me she loves me and talk about our memories together, other days she will seem very distant and not responsive when I say “I want to come see you.”
Reading your eBook (and other websites), I realize that I have been very needy in the past, and have been working on this for a while now (I stand up for myself more, don’t accept second-class behavior, etc.). I know that I need to keep building attraction up with her, because some was lost through my needy behavior.
I guess my question is – how do I make her want to see me more? And how do I make her feel like I am watching out for her/make her feel secure with me?
I hope my story makes sense, and I’d really appreciate any advice you can give me.”
All the best,
The Suggested Solution
I think that only by writing down about your situation and trying to explain me the whole thing has already helped you realize what your problems actually are and gave you some insights on how you can improve your situation. Now that you wrote it all down, you can look at your problems from “outside” and analyze them as an outsider with more clarity. Keep that in mind, because it might help you in the future to analyze your problems.
Now, after reading your question a few times, these are the problems that I hear you mentioning:
- Hesitant to see you.
- Changes in her mood about you.
- Too busy to talk to you.
- Seeing you as a friend.
- Not feeling the spark.
The way your situation looks from my point of view, based on the details you gave me, is that she’s either been really affected by the “incident” with her friend, or she’s just losing attraction for you, or maybe both, the second resulting from the first one.
So if I were you. The way I’d deal with this situation would be the following.
Figure out what was that “taking advantage” thing REALLY all about. And if need would be make sure to talk to the guy and see his side of things too. Don’t be shy to go deep, but also be prepared to find out unexpected and maybe painful issues.
This whole incident, I suppose that we’re talking about a sexual incident, might have happened under different circumstances than the ones you may have been told or others have been told. She might feel guilty for it and distort what really happened.
Now, that’s the worst case scenario.
On the other hand, if she really went through a stressful situation, it might have changed the way she sees things right now, the way she thinks about relationships and the way she feels about having a long distance relationship.
I suggest that you have a real, “friendly” conversation where you ask her how she really feels about the relationship, and if there’s anything bothering her. Encourage her to open up and be sincere with you. But also be prepared to “be hit by the train”, if she opens up and tells you that she’d prefer to end the relationship. And if that happens, be ready to accept it without trying to talk her out of it.
Also, find out if she’s not cheating. The greatest reason why a long distance girlfriend can’t wait to meet her boyfriend is her huge sexual desire. If she’s not really enthusiastic about meeting you, maybe she’s being satisfied by someone else. Ask her about it too. (but in a calm way)
Now, some other quick fixes that I’d use would be the following:
1. Wake up her possessiveness.
There is a concept that I haven’t published anywhere yet, that I call “Constructive Jealousy”. To put it in a simple way “constructive jealousy” is the jealousy that she would feel for you when telling her that you received attention from other women. It’s making her jealous without you doing something wrong.
It could be telling her about how a classmate (girl) complimented you on how good you looked that day, or telling her how this classmate of yours kept asking you a lot of personal questions, or how a girl invited you to a party and you had to refuse her etc.
So, telling her stuff that involves other women giving you attention. As a result, this should make her jealous, not jealous to get her mad, but just enough to realize that other women like you too, and she might lose you if she keeps being “too busy”, confused and hesitant.
I’d also suggest that you don’t lie about this stuff because I am sure there are women in your social circle or in your life that pay some special attention to you. You just have to update your girlfriend about such situations from time to time.
But when in need you can also recall some past times when girls complimented you and tell her about them as “current, fresh compliments”. Do that every few days starting with today and see how she responds.
2. Be less available for her.
Which means that you want to kind of simulate her own behavior and be a bit busier for her too.
If you’re too available when she wants to talk she’ll keep postponing your Skype talks over and over again because you’ll be there anyways. However if you talk to her and agree on Skype-ing at a specific hour because otherwise you’ll be busy doing something else, then she’ll have to talk to you at that time or not talk to you at all that day.
You can experiment with that a little by letting her know when you’re free and want to talk to her, instead of being always available. Do that that for a few days and see how she responds. Then based on how she responds you have to adapt these suggestions.
In my free eBook, I also suggest that you end Skype talks first, which is a great thing to do because you’re showing her that there’s other stuff going on in your life too, and you’re not just her little puppy that wants to play any time she wants to.
The point here is for her to feel like: “You love her, you want her, BUT YOU DON’T NEED HER, at least not more than she needs you!”
3. Wake up her naughtiness.
I have recently written an article on how to get her comfortable being naughty with you online. So in case you have trouble with that, I encourage you to read that article.
I strongly recommend you to bring some sexuality in the relationship, because she needs to make a difference between “talking to a friend” and talking to her boyfriend. Ask her to show you her breasts on the webcam, her ass, her vagina….get her naked…and let her know how much you enjoy admiring her body.
If she refuses to be sexual online, what you can do is to be the one to initiate it by taking your shirt off first and then asking her to do it, or by playing a game where you’d have to undress (could be Truth or Dare).
So make sure to have some “sexy time” with her online….first of all in order for her to see you as her boyfriend not just as a friend, and also to keep things more interesting, and more diverse. I suggest that you spend some “sexy time” or at least talk about sex at least once a week.
4. Give her something to look forward to.
Giving your girlfriend something to forward to is key in a long distance relationship. I am sure that when you were planning to spend the summer holidays together she was very enthusiastic about talking to you, and couldn’t wait to see you again.
Right now, however, she hasn’t got much to look forward to, and she’s not that enthusiastic anymore.
So you have to figure out what she’d really enjoy doing with you next time you meet… it could be having a new trip together, eating at a special restaurant, trying some new and crazy sexual fantasies or sexual positions, and in general doing something interesting together that would make her excited to look forward to.
That’s pretty much it from my part. Read these suggestions again if you have to and use them wisely in your relationship.
I sincerely hope that you’ll manage to put your relationship back on track. Take care and let me know if you have any other questions. Cheers!
P.S. If there is something in your long distance relationship that doesn’t give you peace of mind and you’d like get a second opinion on, you can use the “Just Ask!” button to the left of the page and send me a message. I cannot promise to give you such a elaborated answer, but I’ll make sure to give you my perspective and how I’d solve your issue. Chances are that I’ve been trough what you’re going trough already, and that I also overcame it successfully, so I could probably share some valuble tip with you.