Not long ago, I had a very interesting coaching call with a young man from Germany, who felt stressed and worried every time his girlfriend went out to parties.
Now, that’s such a familiar feeling for me as well, and such a common theme in many of the coaching calls I have with guys. We feel uneasy every time our girlfriend goes out because we’re worried that some guys may hit on her, or she may get too drunk, or her friends might influence her to do something stupid… or we’re just worried about her safety going out with just a few girlfriends alone.
And the reason I’m telling you this right now is because if this situation sounds familiar, I want to share with you as well some of the things we talked about during our call.
The tips I gave to this young man, might come very handy to you if you’re struggling with the same issue. So sit comfortably and enjoy the article.
The Core Issue
Let’s start with the core issue here – the main issue in this case is the fear of our girlfriend cheating on us. Which is a very natural and human fear that all of us have.
And the way to get over this fear in this particular case, is by:
1. Dealing with the clubbing issue
2. Inspiring her to be faithful
3. Finding your own peace of mind
Let’s take a look at each of these, one by one…
1 | Dealing with clubbing
The clubbing issue can se resolved by implementing a few simple tips:
- Being transparent with each other the next day about what happened last night when she went out. Ex: How was the party? Whether guys have hit on her or not? And how things went in general. I find that talking openly with my girlfriend about these things the next day helps me trust her more and feel more at ease the next time when she goes out.
- Agreeing on checking-in while she’s out by simply sending you a text, from time to time, that she’s fine and misses you, for example. Or something else that I like even more is that she sends me a text when she gets home, which lets me know that she’s got home safely.
- Finding a compromise on how often she would go out. The truth is that it’s just not possible to have a happy long distance relationship and a crazy outgoing lifestyle at the same time, because it creates too much temptation for her and too much insecurity for you. So you want to find a compromise on how often she’d go out. For example, what worked well for me and my girlfriend was her going out every other weekend instead of every weekend. Which made us both happy.
- And lastly, agreeing on a set of ground rules for clubbing, like: not accepting drinks from guys, not accepting drives home, not giving her phone number away, not dancing too intimately with guys, and overall not expressing too much interest in the guys that hit on her. I found that after having talked about these things with my girlfriend we both felt more at ease and clear on what’s okay and what’s not.
2 | Inspiring her to be faithful
When it comes to inspiring her to be faithful, there is a lot to talk about here, and I’ve created an entire course that helps you do exactly that. But just to give you a few great suggestions:
a. Freedom of choice
First of all, you don’t want to “forbid” cheating in your relationship by constantly telling your girlfriend to be careful, and to not cheat on you and so on. Because if you do that, you run the risk of making the “act of cheating” even more tempting for your partner.
The reason you shouldn’t do that is because now she’ll feel forced by you to stay faithful, and other guys will appear as forbidden fruits for her. And we all know how the story of Eden’s forbidden fruit ended up for Eva right?
What’s forbidden becomes MORE tempting and attractive.
So, instead we want to take the opposite and more mature approach of preventing cheating, which I call “freedom of choice”. What this means is that you tell your girlfriend the exact following words:
“Listen baby, if you’re ever tempted to have sex with someone else, because you think that that’s what will make you happy, I have nothing against that, you can go ahead and do it, as long as you take responsibility for it and realize that our relationship will be over in that exact moment.”
What you’re doing here is that you’re NOT forbidding her to cheat on you, you’re giving her to freedom to do whatever she wants, but also explaining her the consequences. And now, it’s not YOU forcing her to be faithful, but it’s HERSELF that choses to stay faithful because she doesn’t want to lose you.
Now other guys are not “forbidden” anymore, she may see a guy and think to herself “Hmm, that guy is cute! I could have him. But is it really worth it losing the amazing man I have right now in my life for this other stranger?” No, not really…and here’s why:
The most beautiful part of this way of approaching the issue of cheating, is that by telling your girlfriend that you’re okay with her doing what she wants – you are showing her that you’re a mature and confident man, who is not needy and insecure about losing her.
And when she sees that you’re okay with losing her, if that’s what she wants, you become so much more attractive in her eyes. And now she wants even more to be yours and only yours.
Therefore giving your partner “the freedom of choice” is one of the most effective ways to approach this issue. And while this is just one little piece of the whole puzzle of inspiring a woman be faithful, it’s a very effective one. I talk about the other 16 ways to inspire faithfulness in the Long Distance Loyalty course, if you’re interested to learn more about this topic.
b. The Dalai Lama Story
Another great little story that I shared with this young man during our talk, was a story that I used to tell my girlfriend to help her understand how degrading for a woman cheating really is, and thus inspiring her to be faithful as a result.
Wanna hear the story? I bet you do. So here it goes…
“A woman went to Dalai Lama and asked him why there is this unfairness between men and women in terms of their promiscuity – Why women are judged and men are glorified?
And Dalai Lama said to her:
Listen, if there is a key that is able to open many different locks, then that key is a great key, it’s a valuable key to own. But if there is a lock that can be opened by a multitude of keys, then that lock is a bad lock, a lock that is useless to own.”
And this story, my friend, is such a great way to illustrate the problem of promiscuity. When I told this story to my girlfriend, her eyes lit up and she nodded in agreement.
Because it truly is that a man who has the power to be with many women (notice that I said “has the power to” not that he does so) is usually an attractive and valuable man, while a woman who can be taken to bed by many men is a mediocre woman who doesn’t value her sexuality enough to give herself only the worthy man.
C | Finding your peace of mind.
And thirdly, the reason why this young man needed to talk to me is because he felt overwhelmed with the stress and the insecurities that he had to face. He didn’t know how to approach this issue and so he needed guidance.
And that’s the whole problem here: our worries that our girlfriend may do something wrong while clubbing are what make us suffer. And this suffering is affecting our every day lives, which then influences in a negative way our relationship as well.
We become moody, jealous, needier and even more controlling. That’s why it’s very important to know how to find your peace of mind and overcome these dreadful worries.
So how do you do that?
Well, I’d need to write 5 other articles to teach you all you need to know about truly finding your peace of mind and overcoming these fears, and I’ve detailed it all in lessons 14 and 15 of the long distance loyalty course, but to give you just a quick yet important tip – it all comes down to two main issues: mastering your jealousy and becoming detached but dedicated.
These are two vital mindsets that every man needs to develop, to have a happy and stress free love life, no matter if it’s long distance or not.
I go more into detail about mastering jealousy in this article, and the “detached but dedicated” mindset is carefully explained and broken down into 4 simple steps in lesson 14 of the long distance loyalty course.
So this is it my fellow long distance lover. This is how you approach the issue of dealing with clubbing in a long distance relationship.
After this useful conversation, our hero of this story felt quite overwhelmed with information, but also relieved… because now he had a clear idea of how to approach his problem.
Now let me ask you this: Do you have a friend in a long distance relationship who you know is struggling with the same issue? I’ve just helped you deal with this problem, why don’t you help you friend as well by sending him this useful article. That’s what friends do right? They help each other.
And if you have any thoughts you want to share with me and other readers of this blog, feel free to leave a comment below.
Related Article: What If She Likes Clubbing?