Trust, trust and trust again! I got bored of how many times I have seen this word thrown around the internet anytime people try to give advice on how to survive a long distance relationship.
I DO AGREE that trust is a key element in a long distance relationship and that it can make or break a relationship, but let’s be clear on one thing – long distance dating is NOT just about trust, just like it’s not just about love or communication, long distance dating requires much more than that.
Trust is overestimated and too vague.
What does trust really mean? Why is it important in a relationship? And how do we sustain it?
What trust means is that there is a strong feeling of security that your partner will have integrity. She won’t cheat, won’t lie, she’ll keep her word and she’ll do that no matter what happens.
But let me tell you one thing:
Long distance relationships are a lot of work, even with trust.
What about temptation?
What about naivety?
What about circumstances?
What about emotional states that make us want to do something wrong at times?
All of these factors make trust an element that is very hard to sustain in a relationship. Temptation tends to be very hard to resist. Naivety is easy to be taken advantage of by other people. Circumstances may very often lead to undesired actions. And Negative Emotional States like jealousy, anger, contempt and guilt may very well lead to destructive behaviors like cheating, lying, flaking, disrespecting and so on.
These 4 elements are the usual barriers that make trust a flexible element in a relationship; even though we want to trust our partner we shouldn’t completely rely on its existence and firmness.
So, don’t simply rely on trust. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And we humans… we are humans, we’re not robots. This means that trust is something flexible that can alternate in different circumstances and not something set in stone or programmed in a robot.
Trust is great, but blind trust is far from great. And being completely trusting with your partner is what makes trust blind.
Would you trust a hungry dog, not eating a nice smelling piece of meat from the table? Well, that would be blind trust too.
So, we want to trust our girlfriends, but at the same take that healthy amount of precaution, which will save you from a lot of pain and trouble, believe me.
What you want to be doing in order to sustain trust and make it a core element of your relationship is to help her avoid the following 4 barriers: Temptations, Naivety, Circumstance and Negative Emotional States so that the “flexibility” of trust doesn’t manifest itself into real actions.
How would you do that?
1. Prevent Naivety. One of the things I do to prevent naivety is to let my girlfriend know that what guys want from a girl, no matter how “innocent” they try to appear, is sex. So if a guy from a club offers to drive her home, he’s not doing that because he wants to be polite and friendly, he does it because he wants to get in her pants. Therefore knowing that most guy’s ultimate goal is to get her into bed, she should avoid all potential actions that can lead to sex. (chatting with them on intimate subjects, accepting drinks, giving away her phone number, frequently chatting on Facebook and so on)
To put this metaphorically: Don’t be so naive to think that if you smoke a few cigarettes you won’t get addicted. Same here, a girl should not be so naive to think that if she chats with a guy on Facebook frequently, it won’t lead to more than chatting, because she’ll be taken away by the moment and wake up one day in that guys bed thinking “What the hell did I do?!!!”
Further Reading: How To Keep A Girl Faithful
2. Avoid Circumstances. Clubbing is a place full of temptation, and also a place that creates the right circumstances for your girlfriend to “break your trust” by hooking up with someone else. So, the idea is not to forbid her to go to clubs, but to convince her to go clubbing less frequently and have some “clubbing rules” that you’ve previously agreed up on, which would help her avoid temptation as much as possible.
But avoiding ‘dangerous circumstances’ is not just about clubbing, it involves all potential places and situations that could tempt her too much, situations like going out for a drink with a “guy friend”, jogging, having a trip with a guy friend and so on.
To put this metaphorically again: If you don’t want to smoke, don’t hang out with smokers to places where people smoke.
Further Reading: What If She Likes Clubbing?
3. Minimize Temptations. One great thing to minimize temptations is to have both of your relationship statuses on Facebook set as “In a relationship with one another”, so that people know she’s in a serious relationship. As a result, guys won’t hit on her that much and she won’t be so tempted to cheat because she’ll be worried that someone from her social circle might expose her to you. Another thing in terms of minimizing temptation is not accepting male friend requests, as they could tempt her then to chat, then to meet, and the to cheat.
To use the same smoking example: If you don’t want to smoke, then don’t buy cigarettes and keep them in your house (or in your jacket pocket).
Further Reading: 16 Rules For Facebook
4. Handle Negative Emotional States. What I mean by that is not letting jealousy, fights and arguments evolve or last for longer than it’s necessary. I recommend that you solve any of your arguments on the spot and never postpone them for another time leaving her angry and upset for a longer time than necessary.
Would you be more likely to smoke if you were calm and collected or if you just got angry and pissed off at someone? If you’re a smoker than you know the answer. 😉
The idea here is to prevent these four barriers, in this order, so that they don’t affect the trust that you’ve built in the relationship. Otherwise, naivety may lead to making steps towards unfavorable circumstances; specific circumstances may lead to a greater temptation, and negative emotional states may serve as a catalyst for her to surrender to temptation and a make a big mistake that would ruin the trust in your relationship, and possibly the relationship too.
So, should you trust her? Yes you should, but you shouldn’t completely rely on trust because you might get burned, instead you can do everything that’s in your power to INSPIRE her to be faithful to you. And make her WANT to be yours and only yours.
And you can do that by TRUSTING HER PROACTIVELY!
Take care and trust proactively.
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