People think that love simply is or isn’t. And that’s because they don’t understand the mechanism behind how love really works and how it’s sustained.
That’s why a lot of couples get ruined early on, and other couples get divorced in a few years, and other couples don’t even get to marriage. Because they are mislead by the idea that love either is or isn’t. Which is a convenient idea for us, but one that takes away the responsibility to actually make love work (willingly).
Guessing The Recipe Of Love
We use to go around in a relationship doing all kinds of stuff that sometimes work on keeping love alive, and other times don’t work. We say a joke here and there, we buy some flowers, we say a few compliments and then we think that this should cut it.
We do all these stuff sometimes consciously and sometimes unconsciously and we basically rely on luck, guessing the recipe of love. And some people get lucky and guess around longer, others shorter, some people even guess the recipe of love for their whole lives. But if they succeeded to guess it for their whole lives, that’s because at some point they understood the mechanism behind love, so it’s not about luck anymore.
And the funny thing is that if you ask such a couple how did they made it, they will tell you some vague suggestions like: “You need Trust, Love and Communication.” But they won’t be able to explain you what they mean by that.
How I’ve Discovered The Elixir Of Love
Well, I am not 70 years old, and have guessed around until I figured it all out. What I did though was to be passionate enough about this subject to educate myself enormously, to experiment as much as possible from an early age, and again to be passionate enough to analyze and reflect on what I learned.
Seven years ago, I remember I was asking a girl, who was my classmate, “How do I make a girl fall in love with me?” and she couldn’t give me an useful answer. She said something along the lines of “oh, just be yourself, and don’t worry someone will love you”.
And as you might guess, that wasn’t a very helpful advice. I’ve been myself before as well, but girls didn’t really fall head over heels for me. So, it must be something else. And I decided to figure it all out by myself.
We are humans, and as much as we are different in certain aspects we are also similar in certain aspects. Just as we have the same physical needs, like the need to eat, drink, rest, have sex; the same way we have similar emotional needs, and that’s been proven over and over again by psychology and biology.
And what I found to be truth is that we are all similar in the way we love and that there are certain needs that we have to meet in order for someone to feel the emotion of love towards us.
And in the last few years I have put together a universal recipe for love. A recipe that when I finally understood it, I started seeing it all around, in my relationships, in the relationships of my friends, parents, relatives and generally in any relationship between a man a and a woman.
It’s not just me who created this recipe. It has always been there, it has been used forever and it has been preached before me, but in different pieces and from different angles. Some too simplistic like: just be yourself and someone will love you; and some too complex like: love cannot be defined, and must be enjoyed while it lasts.
What I am grateful to have done is to have put all the ingredients together in a way that is simple and clear, so that we can all benefit from knowing how love works and how we can sustain it.
The Elixir Of Love
In my experience, love is composed of three unique ingredients, which then have their own separate parts. These three unique ingredients are Attraction, Attachment and Attitude.
Attachment describes the romance and the connection that has to be between the two partners, so that they can feel safe and comfortable with each other.
Attachment is the core element of a relationship. A man needs to be able to build Attachment with his girlfriend if he wants to have a longer than a few months relationship. Just like the soil in a flowerpot, gives the flower what it needs to grow, the same way attachment makes your girlfriend emotionally fulfilled in a relationship.
It is that part of a relationship that gives your girlfriend emotional certainty, making her feel loved and cared for.
It’s the side of the relationship where you have to behave like a Nice Guy – complimenting her, nurturing her, surprising her, communicating effectively and trusting each other.
Here’s one way to build Attachment: Romance
Attraction describes the playfulness and the challenge that has to exist in a relationship, in order to keep things fun and exciting.
Attraction is something that you as a man have to build and maintain in a relationship, just like putting water to a flower. If you stop creating attraction, the relationship would get lifeless, just like a flower would when not watered.
As I mentioned before, Attraction has two big components, and these are playfulness and challenge. They both complement each other. Playfulness makes your girlfriend excited; it makes her play, smile, joke around and feel excited. Challenge on the other side, makes your girlfriend fire up, motivated to seduce and satisfy you; it makes her intrigued, alert and stimulated.
When mixed together, playfulness and challenge bring your girlfriend’s feelings for you to the next level. Just imagine, she’s not just in love with you, but also excited and stimulated – she simply adores you.
Here’s one way to build Attraction: Teasing
Attitude describes the maturity of character, and the confidence that each partner needs to have, in order to be an authentic lover.
Attitude plays the role of the pot that sustains the soil with the flower – it makes the relationship stable and authentic.
A man who’s got the right Attitude, meaning that he’s living and acting based on a mature set of principles and values which are favorable for successful relationships, is able to build Attraction and Attachment in a natural and authentic way.
Here’s one element of a good Attitude explained: Internal Validation
Let’s take another example and see how the 3 elements of love work together and complement each other.
Imagine a nice and tasty cake. Well, the cake is composed of three different parts – the dough, the cream and the plate.
As the cake consists of three elements the same way love consists of three different ingredients: Attachment, Attraction and Attitude.
- Now, as the dough is the core element of a cake, so Attachment is the core element of love.
- As the cream gives the sweet and delightful flavor to the cake, so Attraction adds playfulness, challenge to love.
- And lastly as the plate sustains the cake and makes it complete, so Attitude makes love authentic and sustainable.
Now, we all know that the dough is composed of various ingredients like flour, sugar, eggs and so on; the cream consist of its own ingredients as well, and the plate is created of a sum of other elements. Well, similarly, there are many other unique ingredients that create Attachment, Attraction and Attitude.
And lastly if you take the plate, put the dough on it, and then cover it with cream, then what you get is a nice and tasty cake. Similarly if a man has the right Attitude and he’s able create Attachment and keep his woman Attracted, then what he creates is what I like to call the Elixir Of Love.
When you have all these three elements and you’re using them right, then it’s like you are in the possession of the Love Elixir. You give her a drop each day and make her heart melt in an endless emotion of love.
The Proportions of Each Element
Now that we are clear on what are the 3 ingredients of love and we know exactly what they mean, let’s take a look at how much of each you should build.
Knowing the proportion of each is vital, because otherwise, creating too much Attachment or too much Attraction can actually PUSH her away instead of strengthening her love. Thus pay careful attention to the following guidelines.
When I first discovered this recipe of love, I though that it was all about balance. I thought that there had to be 50/50 Attachment and Attraction.
However after studying this formula more in-depth, reflecting on my past relationship and reading a few books on love and relationships I realized that…what I was actually doing in my past relationships, and what women actually want in a long term relationship is more of a 80/20 proportion between Attachment and Attraction.
1. The Proportion of Attachment
Women need to feel safe and certain about their relationship. They need to feel loved so that they can allow themselves to open their hearts too and really dedicate themselves to the relationship.
When I talk about certainty I mean certainty about her partner’s feelings, about his commitment and about the future of the relationship (not necessarily the super long term future, but let’s say the next few months or years)
And in the absence of this certainty, they cannot dedicate themselves totally to the relationship. So certainty, and having her basic relationships needs met (needs like good communication, sexual satisfaction, romance, trust etc) is the foundation of a successful long term and especially long distance relationship.
Building Attachment is all about giving her this certainty and meeting her basic needs, this being the reason why Attachment is the core element of love, it has to be there, so that the relationship can work. And the right proportion of Attachment in a relationship should be 80%.
Meaning that, you as her boyfriend want to behave like a Nice Guy 80% of the time. You need to make her feel loved before you can build attraction, otherwise you’ll end up pushing her away.
Here’s one way to build Attachment: Romance
2. The Proportion of Attraction
So, if you have the foundation of Attachment, now you have to balance it with Attraction.
Imagine a glass of water, 80% full. The water in the glass represents the Attachment, while the 20% empty part of the glass represents the Attraction.
A girl wants the glass to be full. She wants, or better said she needs to fill the glass with love, so that she ca feel content and fully satisfied. Thus she’ll do anything in her power to seduce your heart, to give you a lot of attention, to meet your needs and so on, just to get all the possible love, appreciation and validation that she can get from you. She’ll fight for those 20%.
However, what she may not be aware of is that even though she wants to get all the possible love from you, if she actually succeeds to get it all (meaning that she’s 100% certain of your love) then she’ll lose attraction for you, and she won’t be interested anymore in conquering your heart. There won’t be any challenge for her and she’ll probably have to look for that challenge somewhere else.
So your job is to keep the challenge alive. You’re job is to keep her motivated to invest in the relationship at all times. And you do that by building Attraction 20% of the times.
Here’s one great way to build Attraction: Teasing
3. The Proportion of Attitude
Now, Attitude is what goes on in your mind. It’s all the principles and the values that you base your judgement and behavior on.
A few examples of having the right attitude are: Being Internally Validated, Dealing With Jealousy In A Mature Way, Having Boundaries (I talk about this issue in my free eBook), Having Integrity, Being Positive Even In The Worst Cases etc.
As you can probably guess already, the Attitude is something that has to be ON 100% of the times. You need to have the right inner game going on in your mind all the time, as this will help you be authentic and build both Attraction and Attachment easily and naturally.
Mistakes To Avoid
Now that you know: 1) What are the 3 elements of love, 2) What they mean, and 3) The proportions of each one, I have to warn you about the few most common mistakes that you should avoid making:
1. Building too much Attachment. Being too much of a nice guy can lead to big trouble, and this is the trap that most guys fall into. They build too much Attachment (promise eternal love, give her too much attention, are too needy) and basically ignore the Attraction part, which leads to making the girl feel bored, unchallenged and disinterested in the relationship.
2. Building too much Attraction. On the other end of the spectrum, there is the bad boy. The guy that is not romantic enough, he’s not a great communicator but he’s very good at building Attraction. He’s teasing her a lot, he’s intriguing her, he’s more dominant, gives her less attention and so on, and doing all that too much, which leads to pushing his girlfriend away by making her feel too uncertain about the relationship.
3. Not building enough Attachment. This is the part where the guy not only does not build Attraction (by being playful and challenging) but he also forgets about being romantic, and meeting his girlfriend’s emotional needs – he’s ignorant, cold, too busy for her, doesn’t meet her sexual needs and so on. And what this leads to is nothing else but a ruined relationship and two broken hearts.
GREAT! You are now well aware of what does love consist of (Attachment, Attraction and Attitude), how much of each you should build in your relationship (Attachment 80%, Attraction 20% and Attitude 100%) and you know what common mistakes to avoid.
So, congratulations you got to the end of this long and hopefully informative article!
Now, I challenge you to let me know what your thoughts are by leaving me a comment below.
I invite you to read these articles to get a further understanding of the love philosophy that I believe actually works, and helps us understand how to sustain love in a relationship. And I recommend you to also sign up to our newsletters, as I am going to go even more in-depth into this love philosophy in future articles.
With Love And Respect,