Attraction, I believe, is the #1 missing element in most relationships, and the reason why most relationships fail to last. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
The reason attraction is so necessary in a relationship is because it brings uncertainty to the equation; and not just that, but also challenge and excitement. And when added together, these 3 ingredients make someone crazy about us.
You see love is a dance between certainty and uncertainty. And when your girlfriend is too certain of your love and affection for her, she’ll most likely take your for granted and get bored of it all eventually.
However, when she’s 80% certain of your love for her, and 20% uncertain, this is when she’s certain enough to be satisfied, but still quite hungry for more. And that’s when she’ll experience what we might call “the flow of love”.
So first and most importantly we want to give her CERTAINTY about our love for her by “speaking her love language”, by being a loving and caring boyfriend, by having a great communication with her, building trust and overall satisfying her romantic needs. But then also leaving some room for more. Not overdoing it. Plus inserting some playful challenge when we DO meet her needs.
Like for example: kissing her and biting her lips; giving her a compliment and taking it back; sending her flowers and writing a teasing note; talking lovingly on Skype and then being the one to say that you need to go; sending her a sweet text, getting a reply and then letting her wait a little before answering; telling her that you love her, but that you’re also ready to let her go if she want to leave, or if she’s not making you happy… and the list could go on and on.
The basic principle being that we meet her needs, but also leave her a bit hungry for more.
And it’s this hunger for more love, for more approval, for more attention, for more certainty that makes her motivated to be with you, and motivated to make you happy. Women (the ones who understand love) use the same principle to keep us, men, motivated and crazy about them. Now it’s time that we catch up on our understanding of how love works.
We WANT to be satisfied, but NEED to be challenged.
Most people think that being a nice and loving partner is all they need to do to keep love alive. The truth is, however, that as much as we want affection, we also need challenge. We need to be a little uncertain about that affection and work a bit to get it.
This is a fundamental human need that people have, the need for a some challenge and uncertainty in our lives, in our jobs and in our relationships too.
World class authorities like, top psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi talks about in his bestselling book “Flow”, Tony Robbins talks about it in his 6 Human Needs model. Joe Vitale put’s it in the following quote: “A good goal should scare you a little, and excite you a lot”.
All of them and many more, are talking about the same thing: we NEED challenge and uncertainty, because otherwise we take things for granted and get bored of them.
And the same truth applies to romantic relationships. I’ve experienced it myself in my own love life, and came to understand it after a long and painful journey; and observed the same KEY pattern in the relationships of the most successful lovers and seducers that I know and have studied.
But one thing must be clear here – building attraction in your relationship is MUTUALLY beneficial. This is not about controlling your girlfriend and manipulating her to be attracted to you. This is about giving your partner what she needs, just as much as she needs it, and in exactly the way that she needs it.
So let me say that again:
Giving her what she needs, as much as she needs it, in the way that she needs it.
And there’s a reason why I said “what she needs” and not “what she wants”, because these are two different but complementary things. You see, what she WANTS is romance and connection (attachment), but the other ingredient that she NEEDS in order to be in love with you is a certain proportion of challenge and uncertainty about your love and affection for her (attraction).
Therefore, what she NEEDS is not just the never-ending love and affection, like most people think, but also a certain degree of challenge and uncertainty about your love for her.
The PROPORTION of this challenge and uncertainty, however, must be well measured and calibrated, and not exceeded.
Now, in terms of “THE WAY” she needs you to bring challenge and uncertainty in the relationship [and this is the key idea here], it must be done in a PLAYFUL and WELL INTENTIONED way.
Building attraction is like handling fire.
Some people might see challenge and uncertainty as bad and dangerous in a relationship, and it sure enough could be that way, when you use it the WRONG way.
But here’s what you must keep in mind, ATTRACTION, just like fire, could be used to warm someone or to harm someone. And whether you burn or warm, depends on HOW you use the fire, in what PROPORTION and with what INTENTION.
And you could never say that fire is not good or that it isn’t necessary for human survival. Because it really is, and the discovery of fire has been one of the biggest discoveries of all times.
Same with “challenge and uncertainty”, even though when not used right it might “burn”, we cannot disregard how IMPORTANT it is when it comes to making love work and having a happy relationship, when done right.
If you don’t challenge her, someone else will.
Let me say that again: If you don’t challenge her, someone else will… because it’s the playful challenge that adds that salt to the food, and gives a nice taste to a dish that otherwise would have been a boring stomach filler. And if we deprive a person of salt, our body will literally CRAVE it, we’ll look for salty things to eat in the first place we can get them.
Therefore, if you deprive your partner of challenge, thinking that just meeting her romantic needs should be enough, then you’ll be making the mistake that most people who suffered from love made, because she’ll CRAVE the challenge, just like she’ll crave the salt, and she’ll inevitably have to look for challenge someplace else, usually in the arms of another man.
But just like we had to learn how to use the fire, so that we wouldn’t get burned and cook food, warm our homes and build stuff, the same way we must LEARN how to build attraction the RIGHT way, because otherwise we might mess things up, like I used to do for a long time before, when I was CONFUSED about love.
Therefore as long as we create attraction by challenging our partner in a playful and well-intentioned way 20% of the time, and we also romantically satisfy her needs the other 80% of the time, then love will work, and not just work, but be a joy for both you and your partner… because you’ll both be crazy in love with each other.
If you want to learn my absolute favorite ways to build attraction in my relationship, I’ve just released a guide where I teach you these 6 techniques and give you step-by-step and word-by-word things to say to re-ignite and sustain your girlfriend’s attraction for you.