It’s very weird how often and how easily this happens – we fall out of love. But why? Why do people fall out of love so easily?
Like everything else, falling out of love has it’s own great reason, which we’re about to discuss in this short article.
A Relationship Is Not Just a Transaction
A relationship is not Just a transaction, where we present our needs to each other and if our needs are met, then we are happy.
Yes, we have needs, but most of the needs that truly sustain love are never explicitly told.
First of all because most of the times they are unconscious, we don’t realize that we have such needs, so how can we let our partners know about them?
And secondly, because even if we would be aware of these needs, we wouldn’t tell our partner, because then all the “magic” would disappear.
Imagine telling to you girlfriend “You know what baby, you challenge me more… you should tease me more, make me a little jealous and make me more curious from time to time, so that I can be attracted to you more. “
You’ll never say that to your girlfriend. Because consciously you don’t want her to do these things to you. Why?
- Because teasing you, would make you feel a little uncomfortable, so you’d rather avoid it. But this is exactly what challenges you and makes you attracted to her.
- Making you curious is again something that you’d prefer to avoid because it’s not fun to be curious and seek resolution to your curiosity. But this is exactly what makes you intrigued and attracted to your partner.
- Making you jealous? What? Are you crazy how can you consciously accept the fact that, you’d like to be made a little jealous? Of course you’d tell her “Baby, never make me jealous!” You don’t like it, because it makes me suffer.” But this is actually what would make you see her as a valuable girl, a girt that is wanted by others. Thus you’ll appreciate her more, and be much attracted to her.
So why am I telling you all this? I do it because I want you to understand that love is not just a transaction, where we say “Here, these are my needs and if you fulfill them, then I’ll love you; if you don’t, then I’ll stop loving you.”
The 3 Elements of Love
Love is composed of 3 elements – Attraction, Attachment and Attitude.
Now, all the needs that we have and that we expect to be met consciously and willingly, needs like being complimented, being protected, being listened to and appreciated, receiving gifts and signs of love, being satisfied in bed etc. are the needs that correspond to Attachment (the part of the relationship that gives us certainty).
But all the needs that we unconsciously need to have met, needs like being challenged, intrigued, dominated, entertained etc. correspond to Attraction (the part of the relationship that gives us a little uncertainty).
So love is a dance between certainty and uncertainty.
The Stages of Love
Now, when a relationship starts, it all starts with Attraction. We flirt, we joke, we are intrigued and challenged by each other.
Then after a few days or weeks, Attachment starts to build up, you get to know each other, you start to trust each other, you communicate better, you are being romantic and so on.
Well, in that particular moment, there is both Attraction and Attachment in the relationship. You are playful, and challenging with each other, and you are also romantic and comforting with each other. Your conscious needs are met, and also your unconscious needs are met, so you are deeply in love.
You see, Attachment to love is like the car parts to a car, they make the car functional. While Attraction to love is like oil to a car – it sustains the car parts to work properly.
The third fundamental element of love is Attitude, which we will not discuss in this article, but just so you know it represents the maturity of character and the self-confidence that each partner should have in order to make a relationship work. In our example with the car, Attitude would be the body of the car, which keeps all the elements together and makes the car complete and authentic.
The Reason People Fall Out Of Love
So, when the two elements of love Attraction and Attachment are present in the relationship, it works like a charm and you partner is madly in love with you, but then, in a few years, because of familiarity, routine, daily issues, personal problems etc. Attraction starts to fade out.
You stop being as playful as you used to, intrigue goes away, there is no more teasing going on, and things get boring and predictable. So what’s rest is just Attachment.
And a relationship where there is only Attachment gets dry and boring, just like a car with no oil – the parts get broken.
To put it in other words…
People fall out of love due to a very counter-intuitive reason. This reason is the following: they stop challenging each other. And if they stop challenging each other, they are not motivated to invest in the relationship anymore.
The classic reason people think that couples break up, is that the partners stop investing in the relationship, they stop being romantic, playful, caring, stop taking care of themselves as they used to, and focus more on other areas of their lives, thus talking the relationship for granted.
Now, while this is very true, the interesting and counter-intuitive part is why they stop investing in the relationship. And again, the classic belief why this happens is the familiarity, the routine, daily issues, problems etc. which makes them focus on something else other than making the relationship work.
BUT, I DON’T AGREE, with this classic belief! I believe that people stop investing in the relationship NOT because they are overwhelmed with other problems or because they become too familiar with each other, BUT because they are not motivated to invest in the relationship anymore.
I am pretty sure than when the partners met, they also had a lot of problems and personal issues to solve, but they still found time to dedicate to each other, they found the energy and the creativity to seduce each other and make each other happy, and they did so BECAUSE THEY WERE MOTIVATED.
And here’s they key…Who motivated them? They motivated each other!
Where did that motivation come from? Here’s the answer: It came from Attraction. The girl was motivating the guy to seduce her by building attraction. And the guy was motivating the girl to seduce him also by building attraction.
How to create attraction? Well, I detailed one of my favorite techniques of creating attraction in this article. But, just to remind you what attraction means, it is composed of two elements playfulness and challenge.
So, besides showing their love to each other, in the first stages of the relationship the partners were also playful and challenging with each other, and that’s exactly what made them WANT to invest in the relationship, and WANT to make it work.
And I don’t care if you are 18 or you’re 45, you need to keep building and maintaining attraction in your relationship. You need to keep watering a flower if you want it to survive.
So, if you want to avoid your girlfriend falling out of love with you, you must not only express you love for her (which is also very important), but also build attraction. This will motivate her, and stimulate her to WANT to seduce you.
You’re girlfriend needs a guy who won’t be so quick to fall head over heels for her, and promise her the moon from the sky. She wants the moon from the sky, but she wants to be challenged and to WORK for it. And she wants it to be given to her PIECE by PIECE, not all at once.
People fall out of love mostly because they stop building attraction. Make sure to read this article and find out how you can build attraction so that your girlfriend never falls out of love with you, or even worse, falls in love with someone else, because you’re not able to keep her attracted.
Stay in love. Harness love.