The relationship with yourself is the most important relationship in your life. It’s you who you spend most of your time with , and having a healthy relationship with yourself, believing in your capacities and lastly being awesome and Knowing It, is what makes you a confident and attractive man.
From the previous article you learned that we have to look inside for validation and not outside. Now we know that, but how exactly do we do that? And what if it appears that there’s not much proof inside that we are quality people?
After reading my previous article “You’re Awesome And You Know It” you probably got very enthusiastic at first, and illuminated by the idea of looking inside and not depending on others to make us feel good and confident, but then when applying this principle, you’d fall down discouraged by the fact that it’s hard to find “sufficient proof” inside, so that you can feel validated in your own, especially if you don’t know how to look for this “proof”.
And that’s why most of the people around us feel the constant need of being validated and appreciated by other people, because it’s hard to find sufficient proof inside on their own.
And the number one reason for that is that they don’t dedicate enough time on this task. They don’t sit down for 30 minutes one day and think of why they are “cool” poeple. Yes, it may sound simple but it turns out that we humans prefer to wait for others to validate us, rather than taking 30 minutes one day and thinking about all the cool stuff we’ achieved, all the skills we have, the character traits we’ve developed etc.
We are too lazy to think about ourselves, to think about our beliefs, values, traits and views. We’d rather sit and wait for other people to tell us about them rather than taking the matter in our hands and getting to know ourselves better.
So far so good. Now, let’s talk about some action steps. What can you actually do to become an internally validated man that knows his value, is confident, self-assured and assertive? A man that your girlfriend will love and respect.
1. Make a list of your biggest accomplishments.
If you lived on this planet for 15-20 years or more, you must have something that you’ve achieved and are proud of. And I bet that if you take 30 minutes to think about it, you’ll find out not just one but a lot more achievements than you would’ve guessed before.
The way you do this is by talking 30 minutes and writing down all and everything of value that you’ve done in your life. Think of important goals that you’ve achieved, skills that you’ve developed, people that you befriended, events you’ve participated in, actions that you took etc.
Now this is a really good exercise because it puts in front of you, on paper, all of your achievements in one single place. So, they’re not just random things out there in your past that you remember from time to time, but real, valuable stuff that you did in your life and now you know exactly what they are.
The result is that you are proud of yourself, and you know that if you succeeded to make those things happen, you can make many others too, thus you’re a capable, responsible and why not successful person.
2. Know your strengths and weaknesses.
If someone would’ve given me this advice “know your strengths and your weaknesses” a few years ago I would have laughed and said “Come on, leave me alone with this cliché advice! Should I make my SWOT Analysis too, maybe?”
It’s very easy for us so discard ideas that we’re too lazy to try out, or that we’re not comfortable applying, but actually most of those ideas end up having the biggest impact on our lives. When I first wrote down a list of my strengths, I was AMAZED! I wrote about 30 character traits, which I would’ve never known I had, even though I did, but never thought of them.
In terms of the weaknesses, it was a challenge figuring out a list of 7 weaknesses, it kept coming up the “I am too much of a perfectionist” one, which of course I had to discard all the time, but when I was done, I had in front of me the things that I had to work on, and improve for the future.
And guess what, this exercise inspired me! It made more aware of my strengths, conscious of my weakness and thus more self-assured and self-reliant.
Fire from your social circle the people that drag you down and/or bring negativity in your life, and surround yourself with quality people.
I am sure you’ve heard all around the idea that we are the sum of the 5 people we spend the most time with. Meaning that if you hang out with intelligent, responsible and successful people, chances are that you’ll become a similar person as well.
I’ve recently read an amazing example in a book written by Osho, which made me stop and contemplate a bit. He talked about how little children when they learn how to walk, they look around at everybody else and see everybody being able to easily walk. The child see’s his parents, grandparents being able to walk even though he can’t do that yet. And this gives him a strong belief that he can walk too. If everybody else can, he can too. Thus he tries to stand up and make a few steps, and then falls, then tries again and again until he eventually succeeds.
Why is the baby so motivated? Well, because he has this great trust and belief that he can too, if everybody else can.
Now, this example can be easily related to the success in our later life. You can’t be awesome out if thin air, just because you say so, you have to have some proof that sustains this belief, otherwise it won’t be consistent and it won’t last.
And you can create that proof easier if you are surrounded by people who are already “awesome”. Because if they are awesome you can be too, thus it gets your system running and makes you achieve great things…which ultimately lead to you becoming a quality man.
But what do I mean by firing from your life the people that drag you down or bring negativity in your life? I mean cutting or minimizing contact with these people even though they are family or close friends. If they don’t add value to your life, don’t support you and don’t encourage you it means that they drag you down.
Yes, you have to be a little egoistic here but, the only way of becoming altruistic is by being egoistic first and achieving something of value in your life and then sharing it with those less fortunate of your friends, and inspiring them.
4. Take care of yourself.
When a woman puts on some high quality expensive lingerie, she feels like a goddess! When you buy a new outfit and try it on one night out you feel like a superstar, when you get this new haircut and it looks brilliant, you can’t help but feel handsome. When you take a shower, put some perfume on, and dress in some clean clothes, you feel fresh and simply comfortable.
So when it comes to self-confidence taking care of yourself is an important aspect that you should never neglect, because it has such an impactful influence on your self-confidence.
Here are some main guidelines: drink more water, exercise, eat healthy, get enough sleep, GROOM, wear stylish clothes, and take care of your weight.
Don’t allow this simple aspect of your life affect your self-confidence, instead make it a positive factor.
5. Accept your physical appearance.
When I was younger, I had a big body insecurity. I thought my ass was too big, and it was unattractive to girls. I was obsessed about it. I used to buy long jackets, long shirts and t-shirts that covered my big ass and jeans that made my ass look smaller. This lasted for about 2 years, until one day I decided to handle this insecurity once for all. I started asking girls what “ass preferences” they had for men, and boyyy, their answers simply blew my mind away. They told me that they liked big sexy asses, and many of them pointed out at mine, as an example.
Physical appearance is a major source of insecurity us for humans. If we don’t fit in the “model” standards, we feel extremely insecure about ourselves. But when it comes to relationships, looks do not matter as much as we men tend to believe. Yes, having a fit body, being tall and having a nice face gives you an edge, BUT not as much as you think!
You see, women value personality traits. They value men that make them feel good, challenged and intrigued, MUCH MORE than men who look like supermodels.
If you are not completely satisfied with your body, and if you have the power to change that “one thing that bothers you” then CHANGE IT. However if you can’t change it, then dude you just have to ACCEPT IT! (This means, stop whining about your height, hair loss, penis size, nose size or any other stuff.)
Now, what really matters in terms of physical appearance, is grooming. You might not look like Brad Pitt naturally, but if you wash your body, shave, cut your hair nicely, put some nice clothes and accessories on, then you’re not that far from Pitt.
6. Follow your passions.
Passions are highly related to a person’s quality of life. If one follows his passions, thus spends his time doing what he loves, and doing it well, then there’s no doubt he’ll be satisfied with himself and his life, he’ll believe in himself and his self-esteem will be stronger.
If you’re aware of your passions already, then I INSIST on you doing what you love, at least a little bit every day. If you don’t know yet what your passions are (which is very common in our twenties) you’ve got to sit down and brainstorm:
- What you love doing, and spending your time on?
- What makes you feel alive, and gives energy?
- What can you endlessly talk about, and you’re good at?
- What gets you so focused that you don’t feel time passing, and you’d love to develop yourself in this area for the rest of your life
Answer these questions through brainstorming and you’ll be much closer to finding out what your passions are. And if there is one or a few answers that get repeated for all of these 4 questions then you just found what your passion/passions are.
Another thing that I used to do when I wasn’t sure about my passions, was asking 6-7 people that knew me very well, to tell me what they thought I was passionate about. And the most surprising thing was that they told me some really interesting stuff, which I really enjoyed doing but never thought of as being a passion of mine. So they kind of helped me see new interests that I had. But the most important aspect of this exercise was the repeating of some passions that all 7 people mentioned. Those were the real passions that I had. If 7 people tell you that you love “relationships” then they’re probably right.
Here are some examples of passions that I have: relationships, seduction, psychology, personal development, martial arts, ping pong, entrepreneurship, drawing, socializing, public speaking etc. So, figure out yours and firmly follow them.
And by the way don’t be ashamed of your passions, people have a lot of different, weird and unusual passions, and that’s how new jobs arise and new niches are created. If you like something there’s a big chance that there are a lot more people that are interested in that thing too.
So, discover, embrace and follow your passions and your self-esteem and the quality of your life will greatly improve.
7. Set realistic goals.
Simple. If you set huge goals and you don’t manage to achieve them, you end up feeling disappointed. While, if you set realistic goals, based on your capacities and you manage to achieve them, you end up feeling powerful. Which one looks more effective?
And please don’t come telling me “Yeah, but why should I limit my goals making them seem realistic? Maybe I’d limit my success too by doing that…?” because I’ll tell you one thing – Better slightly limit your success, and keep growing slowly but surely, than aiming for big results quickly and then being totally discouraged when failing to achieve them.
8. Use afformations.
Yes, afformations. I am not suggesting you this ideas just because I found it in a book, or because everybody else talks about it. NO. I am recommending you this idea because I have tried it myself and felt a little change in my attitude.
A few years ago I made this list with around 20 afformations, and I read it 2 times a day for two weeks in front of the mirror. Does it sound weird or embarrassing? It might, and I felt the same thing too at first…but still did it out of curiosity. And it turned out to be quite impactful. It did insert into my subconscious mind some useful beliefs that got stuck in there and got more and more justified from there on.
Maybe it wasn’t a life changing exercise, but it surely contributed to my overall self-confidence building process.
9. Seek to give value first.
Be preoccupied with giving value more than receiving value from others.
If you’ve done right all the other 8 suggestion that I gave you in this article, then you’re at a point where you feel good about yourself, you know you strengths, you know your accomplishments, you have an inspiring social circle, you follow your passions, you take care of yourself, you have great positive beliefs, you set realistic goals…and now you’re ready to give value to others.
This is the case where you no longer need the validation of other people, but you are the one that validates others because you’ve got such a strong self-confidence.
10. If you ever feel the need to be externally validated, seek validation form people that can truly appreciate the value you have.
There was a young man once who went to see an old wise man. The young man vas frustrated that people do not value him. After listening to his problem, the wise man said: “I see what your problem is, and I’ll try to help you out, but first I need you to do something for me. Take this ring and go to the market and sell it. But not for less than 5 golden coins. The young man, took the ring and went to the market. There he approached some jewelry sellers and asked them how much was that ring worth. All of the seller looked at the ring and told him that the ring was worth a few silver coins, and when the young man said that he wanted 5 golden coins for it, the sellers laughed in his face, telling him that at most if he’s lucky he might get 1 golden coin for it, but NOT more.
Discouraged, the young man went home and told the story to the wise man. The wise men didn’t seem too surprised and said: “Listen, now take the ring and go to the best jeweler in this town and ask him how much is the ring worth. But no matter how much he would give you, Do Not Sell It!
So he did, he took the ring and went to see the jeweler. When he showed the ring to the jeweler, the man was surprised saying that, it was a truly unique ring, and he could not pay him more than 50 golden coins for the ring, even though it was worth much more than that. End of story.
This story is longer but the moral is evident already. If you want to be appreciated at your real value, listen to people that understand your value and can evaluate it and appreciate it right, and do not allow all the other criticisms to affect your sense of value, your self-worth and your self-confidence.
Best of luck,