Well I did, and I can tell you that it’s not a pleasant feeling at all; more than that, it’s very harmful for your relationship too.
While it’s totally normal to feel a little insecure from time to time and rely on other people to assure you of your self-worth, however becoming dependent on external validation is something that can really hurt your life and your relationship.
But before I go on talking about how interal validation can boost your long distance relationship, I need to quickly define two notions:
Internal Validation – when you see yourself as a cool guy.
External Validation – when the people you spend time with tell you that you are a cool guy.
So, in layman terms internal validation comes from yourself, you feel like being a quality guy, you have a strong belief that you are right, and you don’t allow others to affect this belief; and external validation comes from other people: your girlfriend, your friends, family, colleges, fans etc. when they acknowledge your qualities, praise your success, pay attention to you, listen to your opinions etc.
Now, the big problem that we humans have is that we have a big tendency to rely too much on external validation while having a very poor internal validation. We want other people to acknowledge how cool we are, so that we can feel good about ourselves.
As men we tend to rely too much on women’s validation, thus trying constantly to impress them, seeking their approval, being too needy, becoming overly defensive when criticized, over explaining ourselves and so on. And we do that most of the time without realizing it, because it’s in our nature to seek approval.
As Sigmund Freud said:
All our actions are motivated by two powerful desires: sex and approval.
Or as William James said:
The most profound human need is the thirst of being appreciated.
Therefore, we all seem to need external validation.
But it turns out that seeking external validation is not the best way to go in life. First of all you depend on other people to make you feel good, and when they don’t do it your feel frustrated; when criticized you get too stressed out; plus IT MAKES US EXTREMELY UNATTRACTIVE TO THE OPPOSITE SEX. (hint – women)
We all look for validation, but the problem is, we look for it in the wrong place….it’s not outside but inside we have to look, and only then we’ll find peace and confidence!
External validation comes and goes, while true long lasting validation can only come from inside.
Now, it’s okay to enjoy praise and compliments, and get a little upset when being criticized, BUT you need to be internally validated first so that these do not make you feel dependent or put you down too much.
Why women lose attraction for insecure men?
Well, when a man knows his value and he’s internally validated, he behaves like a strong masculine man, who is confident and who’s got character.
And we all know that confidence, masculinity and character are classic traits that women find attractive in men.
Who do you think a girl would love more…
- A guy that keeps bragging about his achievements any time he has the chance; a guy who asks her often if she loves him, or if she liked the sex; a guy who asks permission to kiss, hug, have sex with her, and/or if she does not like something he over-explains himself; a guy who gets really pissed off when being criticized…
- Or a guy that is self-assured, a guy that feels good about himself, a guy that is able to lead and take decisions on his own, a guy that is not afraid of what other people think of him, a guy that is comfortable with his body, a guy that gives value to other people rather than waiting for others to appreciate him?
The answer is obvious, women love confident, self assured and internally validated men. And if you want to have happy, fulfilling relationships YOU HAVE TO BECOME ONE!
Chances are that you are an amazing guy already… you might have a lot of great qualities, great skills, interesting past experiences, achievements, people to hang out with and so on, but you still tend to be dependent on other people’s validation.
In this case you just need to work a little on yourself… your mind, your body, your social circle, your goals and so on. You wanna figure out a way to bring up the best in yourself and make it give you power and confidence.
You wanna figure out your strengths, your past achievements, surround yourself with quality people, take special care of your body and health and so on. But I go into great detail about how to become a self-confident, internally validated man in my “10 Steps To Awesomeness (Because Girl Love Awesome Guys)” article. So, read this article and get the “how to part” handled.
Further reading: 10 Steps To Awesomeness