My Life Is My Happiness! (The First Step To Overcoming Neediness)

My Life Is My Happiness

What coaching 30 people on overcoming neediness, for an entire month last year, has taught me, is that neediness is not a simple problem that “some people have” but an entire EPIDEMIC that’s ruining the happiness and the love lives of so many people! 

And that moment when at the end of our session, people realize how they don’t need to feel needy anymore, and that the pain, worries and stress are already GONE, and they can’t help but smile and feel happy…

….that moment is what inspires me to keep doing this.

As many of the participants said: the session was enlightening and mind-opening. It was a wake up call from the nightmare they’ve been living!

Others have said that it was so simple and powerful that it just blew their mind, and that I should be on Oprah. That I should be getting this to the whole world.

So as you can see, it’s been a truly amazing month, and I was so inspired to see how helpful those ideas were to my clients, that I’ve decided to share with you too, 1 of the 4 BIG IDEAS that will help you overcome neediness.

My Life Is My Happiness

Why is Neediness Creepy?

You see, when we feel and act in a needy way in our relationship, we are sub-communicating to our girlfriend that:

“I need you in my life to feel good about myself. Otherwise, without you I feel kinda miserable!”

And that, my friend, is not very attractive message to communicate to our girlfriends. Because what happens is that 1) she can see that we need her like crazy, which then makes her take us for granted, and 2) she sees how insecure and dependent we are, which makes her lose respect for us.

And both of these make her lose attraction for us!

Why? Because your needy behavior tells her that she OWNS an INSECURE boy in her life.

  • So the first problem is that she feels like she OWNS you, which makes her take you for granted and stop appreciating you. This kills the challenge and she’s not motivated to make you happy anymore.
  • And the second problem is not only that she OWNS something, but that something is also a BAD thing, in our case an INSECURE and DEPENDENT little boy.

Just like if you’d OWN a BROKEN phone… would you still appreciate it?

What Can We Do About It?

So how do we overcome neediness? What is the first step that we can take to go from needy to picky?

Well, here it is…

The first mistake that we humans make when falling in love with someone is that we start to see our RELATIONSHIP as the #1 source of happiness in our lives. When it’s actually that our LIVES should be the main source of joy and happiness, NOT our relationship.

And when I say happiness I mean all those things that make us feel good, give us joy, satisfy our needs and overall make us feel alive.

What creates neediness is forgetting this truth and ignoring the things that make us happy in our lives: the passions that we have, the friends that we spend time with, our families, our favorite sports, our favorite movies, songs and books, our jobs(if we love them), our relationship with God, our relationship with ourselves etc… So when we fall in love, we tend to ignore all these things, and we focus 90% of our mental energy on our relationship, and that’s what becomes the 90% source of joy in our lives.

So we expect our partner to give us all the joy and happiness that we should be getting from our lives, in the first place.

Breaking news my friend, your partner cannot give you the joy of reading a good book, or the joy of watching a great movie, or the joy of hanging out with a few friends and talking over a beer, nor she can give you the joy of following your passions, or the fulfillment of working on something that you love.

So just having this realization that our RELATIONSHIP is just a little part of our lives, and just a small source of our happiness, is the first step to overcoming neediness.

These days I’ve talked to a guy who’s girlfriend even told him to FOCUS on something else, not just on the relationship. To find something important for him to do in his life and not depend on her constantly to give him attention and make him happy.

Another guy was unemployed and was getting bored out of his mind all day long, and all he was doing is depending on his girlfriend to bring some joy in his life… and thus, he was calling his girlfriend (who has a job) and texting her all day long, and asking her to come on Skype, and then not letting her go when she wanted to end the Skype talk. And guess what? He was feeling super needy, and not letting his girlfriend breath!

You see, if happiness was a cake, then our relationship would be just a small slice of that cake, and our life would be the rest of the cake.

overcome neediness

Or in other words, it’s our LIVES that must give us 90% of our joy and happiness, not our relationship, which should make for just about 10% of ourjoy in life.

How much needy do you feel when you see your relationship as the 90% source of joy in your life, and how terrified do you feel in this case? A lot! You’re scared and thus needy.

And how much needy you feel when your relationship makes for just 10% of your joy? You’re much more relaxed and laid back – because you know that you can be fine with or without your girlfriend.

So if you were to lose her, it wouldn’t be so big of a deal, right? Because you can still rely up on all those other things in your life that make you happy.

And here’s the truth – the more we rely on our relationship to be happy the more needy we feel, and the more we PUSH our partner away!

Here is a very smart quote that might help you understand this truth better:

“Women don’t want to be the adventure, women want to be part of the adventure!”

So making her the most important thing in our life is not what she really wants! She wants you to have a LIFE in the first place, that makes you happy, and her to be part of that life.

[Free Guide] I have created a practical guide to share with you 4 techniques to reduce neediness and regain your confidence (and your girlfriend’s attraction).
You can find the guide here.

What You Need To Do Now?

So the practical recommendations that I have for you now is the following:

Go ahead and make a list of 10 things in your life that make you happy, when you do those things. Ex: reading the books that you love, spending time with your best friends, going to parties, being with your family, following your passion etc.

My Life Is My Happiness

And when that list is done, see how you can implement those activities in your life as much as possible.

To give you a personal example… what I do right now, my passion and my job of being a love coach and helping people have amazing love lives, is my reason to live on this planet, it’s the thing that makes me happiest. My passion gives me more joy than my relationship ever could.

And besides my passion, there are other things in my life, like watching my favorite TV series, reading my favorite books, playing Ping-Pong and many other sports, practicing martial arts, meeting new people and hanging out with my friends… these are the things that make me super happy, and my relationship is just a small part of my happiness….

Because my LIFE is my HAPPINESS.

And to take this even further, it’s important that you look at that list of 10 things, and chose one that is MORE important than your relationship. For me is my passion to turn regular guys into extraordinary lovers, for you it may be something that you truly love doing – and make THAT you number one most important thing in life.

The result will be that, it will keep you busy, it will give you joy, it will help you avoid neediness, and BEST OF ALL, it will make your girlfriend more attracted to you.

Because as we said before, she doesn’t want to be the adventure, she wants to be part of the adventure.

The Conclusion

Most people think that their relationship is THE SOURCE of happiness, which then can make their lives better.

But the reality is that it’s our LIFE that is THE SOURCE of happiness, which then can make our relationship better!

So our relationship is not the source, but the DESTINATION of our happiness. The place where we SHARE joy and love, not only extract joy and love from!

So if you just make your life your happiness, then you won’t have time or reason to feel needy.

This was the first out of the 4 steps to overcoming neediness that we discuss in our coaching session. This is the foundation, and after this one is set in place… things get waaay more intense and profound.

[Free Guide] I have created a practical guide to share with you 4 techniques to reduce neediness and regain your confidence (and your girlfriend’s attraction).
You can find the guide here.

 Take care,


About Livius Besski

After knowing nothing about love and getting his heart broken over and over again, Livius has decided to figure this topic out. And for the past 10 years he has discovered the counter-intuitive way love works, has created a system for overcoming neediness (which is holding most guys back) and is now sharing all of his practical advice here on the site.


  1. priti says:

    Hi….me nd my boyfriend is in relationship….his family not agree for marriage…. Bt mine I had convinced,,.. Reason is different caste nd culture…
    I felt very relaxed after reading this article of neediness…. Me too feel the same..
    In starting my relationship was owesm… Bt these days m observing that m only interested in talks nd all… I need to tell him that wat I want from him,, I always fight with him for time… Maximum times me only made calls nd msgs… Sometimes I get response nd sometimes not…. Which irritates me…. Nd then I question him…nd fight starts…..I feel like to end myself that moment wen he don’t listen my problems issues.. Wat m facing… Nd wat I want….
    Plssssssss guide me…. M very much confused to go ahead with the same relationship as it’s our 2 nd year completed nd third started….as I don’t want to go away from him….I really like him….BT wen he don’t gv his attention to me it makes me hyper……please guide me show me correct path…me too much depressed…. Nd weak…


  1. Jason says:

    Way cool! Some extremely valid points! I appreciate you writing this article and the rest of the site is extremely good!