On 22 of August 2013 my girlfriend arrived to Denmark and we finally closed the distance. Since then I’ve received a lot of emails from guys asking me how did I convince my girlfriend to relocate. So now I’ve decided to share my “secrets” with you in this article.
The first thing to point out here is that you don’t have to CONVINCE her to relocate, it has to be a decision she makes on her own. You can however make it easy for her to make this decision.
Of course, the whole process will start with you two having various conversations about it, and discussing what it best for both you, and what is best for the relationship, working your way to the final decision of who is going to move, and then to the long awaited moment of relocation.
Below I am going to share with you a few important guidelines for you to keep in mind while doing “the negotiations”.
Like any human being faced with a big change, your girlfriend will have a lot of worries and insecurities about relocating.
- Why is he not coming to live here?
- What if we don’t get along and have to break up?
- Would my parents agree with this decision?
- What if I can’t find a job?
- What am I going to do there?
- I have no friends there and I’ll feel lonely!
- How am I going to cover the expenses?
- Is it a safe city?
- Or other worries specific to your circumstances.
And it’s your job to help her find answers to all these questions and worries, which she will sure enough have.
So how do you do that?
1. Find a LOGICAL reason.
If you want your girlfriend to relocate to your city, first of all you’ve got to have a SOLID reason why you can’t relocate to her city. Second of all you’ve got to give her a solid reason (besides love) why this is a good decision for her.
While love alone is a good enough reason to move, and most of the times people move because of LOVE, yet because love is a perishable feeling that can easily vanish away if you two don’t get along or something unexpected happens, rationally speaking moving for love is not a good reason, and her friends, parents and even herself will be second guessing such a decision.
Moreover, when moving just for love, you are both putting a lot of pressure on your relationship, you are somewhat obligating yourselves to be together…a little similar to getting married or having kids. (and we all know what these kind of obligations 50% of the times lead to) And even though it feels great at the beginning, the fact that you are bound together is a potential love killer.
That’s why it’s very important to find another key reason for why she should be moving to your city: it could be for more career opportunities, it could be for studies at a local university, it could be for a change of lifestyle and/or a new traveling experience.
There has to be a logical reason too, besides the emotional one. And the logical reason has to be good enough for her to feel somewhat safe, in case your relationship doesn’t work out, and serve as a plan B.
While in reality the only reason she’ll move will be for YOU, there has to be a “logical” reason for her to rationalize for herself and for her parents and friends this somewhat risky decision. That’s how we humans operate: we ACT based on our feelings, and then our mind finds a logical “explanation” for our actions to avoid appearing too crazy to ourselves and to others for taking irrational decisions.
2. Get her EXCITED about it.
Next, you want to get her excited and enthusiastic about relocating.
And you can do that by talking about the things that you are going to do together when she arrives there.
Get her excited about your new life together: what places will you take her to visit, what activities you’re going to do together, what an amazing sexual life you’re going to have, how you’re going to organize your life together, how you’ll take her shopping to the supermarket and how you’ll go sightseeing through the local malls. (at least, at these prices, that’s the reality for us in Denmark)
When having a Skype or phone conversation, bring this topic up and enthusiastically talk about it.
This way she’ll feel wanted, expected and welcomed there, which will motivate her to do everything in her power to relocate.
3. Make it EASY for her to move.
- rent an apartment,
- research things for her to do there,
- look for job opportunities or encourage her to find a job before relocating,
- if she’s still a student look for study opportunities together,
- calculate her potential expenses,
- figure out what transportation services there are, both for her, and for her personal belongings.
This way making it EASY for her to relocate.
When my girlfriend recently moved to Denmark for me, I did most of these things. Finding an apartment was very challenging and expensive, and yet I found one, cleaned it and prepared it for her arrival. By the way make sure to involve her as well in the search for an apartment. Search together online, take lots of pictures when you go to see a potential apartment and share impressions together.
Looking for jobs was the second biggest challenge and she still hasn’t found one… but we’re still looking.
She’s a student and her parents are supporting her at the moment, and so before coming here, I had to do the math on how much she’ll have to spend month by month, this way they decided that she could afford it. (but not for too long, unless she finds a job)
Then because she’s a girl, guess what… she had a LOT of “dowry” to move, so I almost had to send a few big trucks to pick those up. Lucky me that I found a transportation service and a few weeks prior to her arrival she sent me around 5 big suitcases of girly “stuff”.
Don’t think your fate will be different my friend!
4. Win over her FAMILY and friends.
And lastly, you want to make sure her that her family and friends feel safe about it.
Family and friends will play a major role in her decision to relocate or not. Depending on how old she is, how depended on her family she is, they will have a larger or smaller influence on her decision, nonetheless they will influence her.
In order for her family and friends to feel safe about her relocating to your city there are two important requirements: 1) they need to trust you and 2) it needs to seem like a rational decision too.
The way to make sure they trust you is for them to get the chance to get to know you. It could be when you visit her, or talking to them on Skype from time to time, or in terms of her friends – friending them on Facebook and saying hello, or commenting and liking their posts could be an option too.
In terms of her decision to move being rational…it’s key to find a logical reason for her moving, as we discussed before, instead just relying on “love” as being the primary reason.
So when you keep these guidelines in mind, chances are that you’ll successfully motivate your girlfriend to move to your city. At least that’s what I did, and it worked perfectly fine for me.
To make a short recap:
- By finding a logical reason for her to move, you’ll address the worries about breaking up and you’ll make her family and friends feel more at peace.
- By looking for jobs (you, her or together) you address her worries about not finding work.
- By researching the various activities that she could do in your city (based on her passions and interests) you address her worries about getting bored to death.
- By talking about your friends and about the social life in your city and how she’ll be meeting a lot of new and cool people, you’ll address her worries about feeling lonely.
- By predicting her future expenses, you’ll help her asses if she can afford to relocate or not.
- By having a solid reason why you can’t relocate, you’ll make it seem fair for her to move.
- By allowing her family and friends to get to know you, you’ll make them feel safe about her relocating.
This way, you’ll help her find peace of mind and avoid second guessing her desire to move.
And to conclude on this relocating business, I’d recommend that you don’t put too much pressure on your partner to relocate, because even if you may end up succeeding, if it was a bad decision for her to move in the first place, it will eventually backfire and leave you both much worse than before.
So communicate with your partner, and find the most optimal closing the distance opportunity, and if it’s her that has to move, keep in mind and apply the suggestions that you just learned and make it easy for her to relocate!
Now here’s my question to you:
Have you got a closing the distance plan yet, or not? If yes, who’s moving and why? (the logical reason) Leave your reply by posting a comment below.
With dedication and respect,